I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
