I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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