after a month anything with tits is on the radar
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
