You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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