I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
