I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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