I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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