my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
