did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
