I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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