my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
