if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize