Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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