I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
