Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
