shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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