You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
