Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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