You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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