Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
