She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
