I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
