he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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