Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize