Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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