Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Who died my cat blue again?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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