i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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