How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
