Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
