Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
