What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
