she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
how does that bad decision feel?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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