the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
