At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
