I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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