I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize