I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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