Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
