after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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