I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
