we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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