I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize