why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Houston, we have a squirter
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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