fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just gift wrapped bread.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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