You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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