i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
