do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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