I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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