Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
