so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
