when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
