My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Randomize
