what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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