...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
