Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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