The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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