I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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