I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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