I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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