she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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