I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
