I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
