I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
