Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
