checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i black out too much to be "responsible"
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
