My underwear smells like fireworks.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
